Mucus Plug here. Having just checked in to see if anyone or anytwo of you has sent in a found stick to return things to abnormal once more here at Found a Stick home of found sticks (as yet you havent) I returned with slow haste to my lazy labororation to continue my recent monitoring of our beloved Rainn Wilson's nightmares to see if I could find any clues to my misplaced jigsaw puzzle piece that I have misplaced. During a lull in one of his most reacurringly reacurring dreams... (you know the one where a young Clint Eastwood is teaching him how to do a slow foxtrot while two ghostly victorian twins watch as Rainn is unexpectedly angered at Bilko's attempt at putting him off his stride by recreating Marilyn Monroe's famous blowy dressy thing)..my mind ticked over to at least twenty one things that just aren't true though a lot of people think otherwise and I have decided to use my vast but tiny swimming pool of knowlege to turn this terrible state of affairs on it's tiny little head by enlightening you with enlightenment.
Twenty One Things That Just Aren’t True Even Though A Lot Of People Believe Otherwise.
1. If you breed a wombat with an aardvark the resulting offspring would be called an aardbat and not a womvark. Oh come on now arrdbat, like really… how utterly preposterous. If you believe that tiffling tosh….well just get out of my sight you bubble headed buffoon before I get even more peeved and fetch my spork of ridicule and do you some slight emotional harm. Aardbat?…jeesloiseee!!
2. The number two doesn't actually exist. Um, hello....
3. Nostradarmus knew a thing or two. Stop being so hopelessly gullible …. besides coming up with a great recipe for cherry jam and a rather moving four line poem he wrote about the love between a trouser press and a pet food bowl, the great big beardy bugger never said or did anything of any worth or consequence… and in fact he never did write that poem, I just made that up..so its just the jam thing then. I predict no one will have even heard of him a hundred years from now.
4. Belts hold trousers up Wrong again it is the laws of physics that hold trousers up, belts are just part of the equation. Know your science, people because your science already knows everything about you.
5. Jefferson Starship once built a city on rock and roll. No they did not.. they just pissed a load of construction workers off with their unrealistic and unworkable plans. Rock and roll is a musical genre and as such is purely an abstract…not in anyway a suitable material for foundations for a even the most modest of bungalows let alone a whole blommin’sake city.
6. The actor Edward Norton has a goldfish called Stan who he loves very much and takes everywhere with him in a goldfish bowl so he can bounce ideas about method acting off him whenever the need arises. Not true…. if he loved this goldfish very much then he would keep it in a goldfish tank not a goldfish bowl.
7. Starting a company making sweaters for giraffes is a profitable idea Not true, giraffes do not wear clothes and do not have any income, disposable or otherwise and even if they did, which they don’t they are unable to conceptualise buying things …also the polo-neck jumpers would be cost prohibitive in the extreme.
8. They recently cloned Andy Warhol twelve times and each of them came out a different colour. Not true….if human cloning was in anyway viable then Big John Wayne would be president by now. Hell yes he would little missy.
9. Eddie money is the root of all evil… Not at all, he is harmless enough….unlike John Oates who along with Messina, Crofts, Shipley and Garfunkel, have come together in secret with a plan to reek horrible and unusual revenge on anyone involved in the design, manufacture, distribution or selling of bendy drinking straws. (Personally I think they have chosen the wrong enemy here…but you try telling them this.)
10. Crop circles are all hoaxes perpetrated by local people using a plank and rope. Not true. In fact crop circles are all hoaxes perpetrated by aliens posing as local people using a plank and rope
11. Stairway to Heaven is the greatest song of all time. No, no, no, Stairway to Heaven is in fact just the song that, when silly people are asked to vote for the greatest song of all time they think to themselves - What would most people say? Oh Stairway to Heaven..so I better say that then. In actuality there is not a single reasonable person on the planet that thinks Stairway to Heaven is the greatest song ever. The greatest song ever is in fact Mah-Na Mah-Na," you now and for always recognise this is for the universal truth it so patently is.
12. As disposable razors become more and more ornate in design they have become less disposable. Not true the pocession of a disposable razor is always based on practical never aesthetic reasons..once its blunt it gets chucked away, end of…. (One worrying aspect of this is, in a hundred years time there will be no disposable razors from this day and age to exhibit in museums… another death blow for culture…)
13. Cats do not come and stand on newspapers you are trying to read just to be awkward but because they can read through their nipples and are catching up on world affairs. Not true, while yes they can read through their nipples they are far too clever to believe anything written in a newspaper so they are doing it just to be awkward (and because it amuses them to do so)
14. Albert Einstein invented the disco ball. I don’t know where you’re getting all this ludicrous information from but this is utter baloney. Einstein wasn’t even an inventor for crying out loud, he was the father of modern physics and wrote lyrics for Big Audio Dynamite but he never ever invented anything. What people unforgivably forget in the glare of these more flashy (some might say showeeoffee) achievements is that he was also an early pioneer in the art of looking quite silly while riding a bicycle. Also and most importantly, he was the first person to discover that men can actually grow moustaches. Before then all moustaches were actually those fake glue on ones like they use in films, but once his discovery was made public men all over the world threw away their fake ones and grew real ones instead. Unfortunately this brought the huge fake moustaches industry to its knees within a few weeks and this started the wall street crash and from there the great depression. On the plus side Einstein helped in the invention of the atom bomb without which loads of superhero origins would not have been possible.
15. House Spiders are so named because they always win at bingo House Spiders are very good at bingo but because they have no vocal abilities they cannot shout house at the end so they never ever win…they are actually named House Spiders because they always turn up five minutes before the end with the right solution to a obscure medical problem week after week after week after week after week after week…...
15 The least popular thing to ask someone you’ve just been introduced to at a dinner party is, “How do you clean your legs? Wrong like wrong is wrong….the actual least popular thing to ask is “Puppets: do you favour string or glove?” Don’t ask me why, it seems like a reasonable enough enquiry to me.
16 Terminator, Alien and Predator could all easily beat Mary Poppins in a one to one fight. Patently untrue if you go back and watch the Mary Poppins film the powers she displays in it are off the charts already and even then only hint at her true potential. She could easily beat all three of them and the X-Men while making a pot of tea and without paying them much mind. Check the film and tell me I am wrong here. 17 The spell check facility on microsoft word is often used by wizards and witches. Not the case, wizards and witches can all spell perfectly well as part of their arcane abilities so they never need to use it.
18 If squids evolved to have ink why did they never evolve to have fountain pens as well? Fossil records show that they did evolve to have fountain pens a couple of million years ago but since there was no writing paper occurring naturally in the ocean this turned out to be a evolutionary dead end and like the wings of prehistoric elephants (too heavy to fly) they soon devolved away again.
19. If umbrellas could speak they would tell nothing but lies. Why would you believe this? You deserve to get rained on you cynical sausage of a person.
20. There are so many lost or discarded cufflinks in the world that if only 1,137 more are lost or discarded then the planet, weighed down by the added weight would stop orbiting around the sun which would be most inconvenient. Not true because the number of lost tie pins and alice bands will always counterbalance this. Come on people this is basic fashion accessory physics..weren’t you paying attention that day in class? Too busy thinking about the hupcaps on Ferris Bueller’s car again were you?
21. If dreams were real would they really be still be dreams. Nothing is real, as Jack Lemmon once said. Though that too is wrong. In fact those little metal keys used to open tinned meat like, corned beef, pork luncheon meat and spam are the only things actually real and the rest is just what they are dreaming to make sense of their otherwise senseless existence.
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